Do You Ever Think About...

The End?

Sometimes when I'm riding shotgun, I'll glance into the windows of other drivers and wonder, "What's their life like?" Are they happy? Are they sad? Are they sick? Lonely? Did they just lose a loved one? Did they just get married?

All sorts of questions run through my head. Just silly curiosity about what it would be like to hop into that van, car, pickup, or whatever, and experience whatever they're experiencing. Would I want to trade? Is the grass greener on the other side.

No way.

Yesterday we took a trip up to post (where we're stationed) to turn in some paperwork regarding my condition. I'm enrolling in the EFMP, or Exceptional Family Member Program. Woo Hoo, I'm an Exceptional person. Didn't need no stupid disease to tell me that.

Anyway, the deserted two-way street that stretches 30 miles from civilization to post and only offers a passing lane every 5 miles or so, is littered with crosses marking deaths stretching back 30 years (at least).

Everytime we take the trip, I look at all the crosses, placed in the spot where the accident occured and on the side of the street the poor driver was going, and wonder how their families feel now. Some 10 years ago, 2 years, 28 years, and the most recent was Aug. 21, 2009. One day before my birthday.

The Hubs told me that he was a motorcyclist and when he went to pass a vehicle (getting into the opposite lane of course), he didn't see the semi headed his way. Needless to say, the motorcyclist passed away that day. So sad.

As I continued to look at the dates written on the crosses I saw one that said, Jan. 3, 2003. About a quarter of a mile from that one I saw another one that said, Jan. 17, 2003. And then I wondered, "Did Jan. 17th hear about the accident that involved Jan. 3rd and thought, I'm glad it wasn't me. Only to find out that two weeks later, it would be him."

These are the crazy things I think about. Most people would see the crosses and think, "Aww..." and then move on to another thought. Something like, "I wonder what's for dinner tonight" or "I wonder if McD's is still serving breakfast".

Then I thought, "would I rather know I'm about to die, or would I want it to be a surprise?"

Such a stupid question when I go back and read it. I think about how my loved ones would feel. Would I want them to be shocked with a sudden loss, or be saddened for months or maybe even years with a possible fatal diagnosis?

I really don't know. I can't tell you if I'd want to know if my loved one was dying. But I also can't say for sure that I'd prefer the surprise. Either way, we really can't choose our fate.