Friday, January 29, 2010

I'm Gonna Have to Pass

I'm sitting in bed right now...

Hair up. PJ's on. Contacts out. Glasses on. Half a glass of wine down.

And I'm thinking.

I'm gonna have to pass on the modeling/acting opportunity I was given. For one reason and one reason alone, I just don't have the money. And even if I did, I don't think I'd be very happy to dish it out for what could possibly be a very disappointing weekend.

A few valid points were made when I asked for your advice. Like...

"Won't you always wonder what if?"

I will totally wonder "what if", but I think I can handle that. Instead of readying myself for an intense competition, I'm going to ready myself for life. Particulary, summer life. I can't wait for summer, this is going to be the first year I rock shorts and/or skirts and feel comfortable while doing it.

(And I know that sounds totally superficial but you have to understand me to get it. I wore shorts last year a few times because I was dying here in the desert. I was wondering almost every second if people were looking at me and talking about my legs. They're not exactly the most tone limbs in the world but they're not butt-ass ugly either. I miss my dancer legs (actual dancer not stripper dancer) and my toned volleyball legs. So to me, this is important. Eight years (almost nine now) of being uncomfortable in my own skin, it's time to correct it.)

My poor hubby. We've NEVER been on a date where I'm wearing a dress. Actually, we've never been anywhere where I'm wearing a dress. The last time I wore a dress (that showed more than the tops of my feet) was at our wedding. (It was a very casual event.)

I saw a trainer for the first time today. He kicked my ass! I texted the hubs after the 30 minute session and told him that I felt like I was going to die. In fact, I think I may have for a second or two. It was pure torture and all though I hated 25 out of 30 minutes of it, my body feels great!!!

I am so ready to be a HOT Mama! I'm finally ready, mentally and physically, to do what it takes to achieve it. Is it the MS? Is it the ego boost given by one dude who saw potential in me to possibly make it as a model? Is it the Hubs?

I think it's all of the above.


Thank you for your support. All of you. And I'm sorry this post is all over the place, we'll blame it on the wine.

I'm going to cuddle up next to the Hubs now and pretend to be interested in this movie.

Have a great weekend!

1 comment:

Loobie said...

Sarah,

I have been following your path on this modeling thing with interest. I know you have talked about your motivation and where it comes from and all that. I found it hard to imagine that you were scared to show your legs! Listen, you are a very attractive woman. It's obvious others feel that way due to the feedback you get from places like the modeling deal, so show them pins girl!

I also know that your confidence gets rocked by the 'ol MS diagnosis. As I told you before, I worked out like a madman (even though I was already in shape) for as long as I could after my diagnosis until I lost the ability. Now I still do what I can. I'll tell you one thing.

Just keeping that up, you will look like you want to look. I was built very well before all of that extra working out. But after about six months, I started to change again until I really feel that I was in the pinnacle of shape that I could possibly be in with my life circumstances (work, kids, shit like that). But what happened was that I was very comfortable in my own skin and didn't need an iota of external reinforcement. I was looking and feeling good and I knew it all the way through.

Do it for your health and the peace of mind that you're after will be a by product. If you're doing it to look better, you'll never get there. It's never enough. But when you're doing it for the Beaner and your son and hubs and your health, it will take and you will be more pleased since you aren't after the physical, but rather the calm of knowing that you've done all you can for your family to make sure Sarah is around and kickin' it as best she can.

You've obviously got a great foundation in that you don't have to lose 100 pounds first before you start even looking right. Just stick with it; every day no matter what. Use your MS as motivation on shitty or lazy days. I needed it on days that it was like 5 degrees out. I would sit there and look outside at the blowing snow and if I could do it then, I could do it anytime. Your genuine desire to be all you can for your family is obvious. They're lucky to have you. Just pull your workout energy from that place and not how it's going to make you look, and before you know it, you'll look in the mirror and go "Damn!"

Good luck chicklet. Get it to the point where it's a habit and your entire family knows that it's part of your day no matter what. After a month of so of them realizing your health is No. 1 so you can be there for their health and well being, it won't even be a problem.