I'm Gonna Have to Pass

I'm sitting in bed right now...

Hair up. PJ's on. Contacts out. Glasses on. Half a glass of wine down.

And I'm thinking.

I'm gonna have to pass on the modeling/acting opportunity I was given. For one reason and one reason alone, I just don't have the money. And even if I did, I don't think I'd be very happy to dish it out for what could possibly be a very disappointing weekend.

A few valid points were made when I asked for your advice. Like...

"Won't you always wonder what if?"

I will totally wonder "what if", but I think I can handle that. Instead of readying myself for an intense competition, I'm going to ready myself for life. Particulary, summer life. I can't wait for summer, this is going to be the first year I rock shorts and/or skirts and feel comfortable while doing it.

(And I know that sounds totally superficial but you have to understand me to get it. I wore shorts last year a few times because I was dying here in the desert. I was wondering almost every second if people were looking at me and talking about my legs. They're not exactly the most tone limbs in the world but they're not butt-ass ugly either. I miss my dancer legs (actual dancer not stripper dancer) and my toned volleyball legs. So to me, this is important. Eight years (almost nine now) of being uncomfortable in my own skin, it's time to correct it.)

My poor hubby. We've NEVER been on a date where I'm wearing a dress. Actually, we've never been anywhere where I'm wearing a dress. The last time I wore a dress (that showed more than the tops of my feet) was at our wedding. (It was a very casual event.)

I saw a trainer for the first time today. He kicked my ass! I texted the hubs after the 30 minute session and told him that I felt like I was going to die. In fact, I think I may have for a second or two. It was pure torture and all though I hated 25 out of 30 minutes of it, my body feels great!!!

I am so ready to be a HOT Mama! I'm finally ready, mentally and physically, to do what it takes to achieve it. Is it the MS? Is it the ego boost given by one dude who saw potential in me to possibly make it as a model? Is it the Hubs?

I think it's all of the above.

Thank you for your support. All of you. And I'm sorry this post is all over the place, we'll blame it on the wine.

I'm going to cuddle up next to the Hubs now and pretend to be interested in this movie.

Have a great weekend!

Sorry For the Delay

I got a callback.

And invited to walk the runway and show my skills to 40 of the top modeling, acting, and whatever else, agencies in the WORLD! Big names like...

FORD
IMG
Elite
MTV
Disney
The CW
Bravo
Wilhelmina

The sad part. It's gonna cost me. I have to pay $295.00 (deposit) by February 8th in order to reserve my spot. I don't have it. And I know the games BS agencies play when they make you pay in order to get paid but I do believe, this is different.

In April, the 40 agents will be flown in from all over the world to view the 'chosen ones'. It's a 2-day event and on day one we'll, LEARN, PRACTICE, AUDITION. On day two we'll, LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION.

All that's needed is 2 recent photos that do not have to be professional. But of course, I'm going to need a couple of cute outfits and maybe some new shoes. My hair color will need to be updated by then and I'll probably need a pedicure. LOL!

So why do I have to pay? Here's what the Head Dude say's,

"It is going to cost about a quater of a million dollars to fly in all the agents for this event. There is no other company that can offer you this much exposure at this cost. The fee is to cover the expenses we incur for this event. If you were to go out on your own and try to get face-to-face with these agents, you will end up spending ten-of-thousands of dollars."

Very true. It is highly unlikely that anyone would be able to travel the world and get their face in front of the top scouting agents from 40 different companies. Hmmm...

Everyone I've talked to about it, isn't diggin' the idea of dishing out dough for something like this. And there is no guarantee that I'll be called back and signed by one of the 40. So why do I still want to do it?

I have no freakin' idea.

Maybe to prove something. For the experience. To see, "can I really do it?"

When I was 16 I was accepted to something similar. However, it was in NY and I was living in Houston at the time. This one is in LA and I'll be able to drive to the event each day. I lost out on that one because I was a pain-in-the-ass teen. I ran away for 2 weeks to Kansas (long story) and my Mom rightfully yanked the trip away from me.

What do I do?

I Need A Boost

The Before. No makeup. PJ's. Hair - Undone.

A confidence boost that is.

For the last week, I've been debating about going to this model scouting thing. I'm far from runway material, with my baby-bearing hips, a pretty decent sized booty, and big boobs.

Simply put, I'm curvey. And I like it that way! (I think the Hubs does too :))

I know I'll walk in and see a bunch of young Pixi Sticks walking around and I'll be shunned for being a 8-10. I'm right in between the (modeling stats) "Perfect" body (thought of by someone who is surely a dumbass) which is a 4, and the Plus Size body, which is a 12+. (Insert sigh here)

I think I have a pretty cute face, which I've began to analyze the hell out of. One eye is closed more than the other. My eyebrows aren't symmetrical. (But let's be honest, who's are?) Cheek bones? What cheek bones? Teeth? Should've listened to my mom and worn my retainer.

Why am I putting myself through this? For the goal people! For the goal.

I will throw on my skinny jeans, 5'' heels, taking me from 5'9'' to 6'2'', and a cute top that is fitted but not too boob-a-licious. (I googled "What to wear to model/casting call")

To Do:

- Paint nails

- Find fitted top

- Eat light so I can fit in said Skinny Jeans

- Fix hair

- Fix Make-up (the natural way)

I'm fully expecting for this to be a complete waste of time. I've been to these before and TAH-DAH! I'm no model. LOL! But I am hoping for something good. I'll update tomorrow.

A Yummy One! Neiman Marcus Cookies

ENJOY! THIS IS A TRUE STORY!

When decent people get screwed over, this is the result!

My daughter and I had just finish a salad at a Neiman Marcus Cafe in Dallas and we decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman Marcus cookie." It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe, and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can buy The Recipe." Well, I asked how much, and she responded "Only two fifty - it's a great deal!" I agreed to that, and told her to just add it to my tab.

30 days later, I received my VISA statement, and the Naiman Marcus charge was $285.00! I looked again, and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." That was outrageous! I called Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty", which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars' by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase.

Neiman Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in the State of Texas. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Texas Attorney General's office for engaging in fraud.

I was basically told, "Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back." I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the world has a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman Marcus...for free! She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, perhaps you should've thought of that before you ripped me off!" and slammed down the phone.

So here it is! And please feel free to forward to all the cookie lovers you know.

Neiman Marcus Cookies (recipe may be halved)

2 cups Butter
24 oz. Chocolate Chips
4 cups Flour
2 cups Brown Sugar
2 tsp. Soda
1 tsp. Salt
2 cups Sugar
1 - 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
5 cups Blended Oatmeal
4 Eggs
2 tsp. Baking Powder
2 tsp. Vanilla
3 cups Chopped Nuts (your choice)

Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar, and nuts.

Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.

Makes 112 cookies.

Enjoy! And please note, this is not my personal story. I'm just passing it on because we all deserve a $250.00 cookie (recipe). LOL!

Me and Zumba

I completed my first Zumba class an hour and fifteen minutes ago. I showered and got dressed and decided to write and share my experience so that it was fresh on my mind.

My ass hurts! And so does my leg. Yes, I said leg, as in singular. Care to guess which one? Yup! The right one. (Off subject: I just saw a tiny blue light flash out of my peripheral. The right eye. Spooky!)

Let's see....what can I say about Zumba. I can tell you this, it is definitely less sadistic than Yoga.

Zumba is a fast-paced workout combining aerobics and latin dance moves. I have to say, there was a little too much jiggle coming from my side of the room. Gotta fix that.

There were breaks in between each song which was nice. It allowed me to take a drink of water and bring my body temperature down a bit. Before the start of each song there was a quick instruction on the upcoming moves. Some descriptions you may like...

- Move your booty like you're making a smiley face.

- Pretend you have a spoon on your butt and you're mixin'! You're mixin'!

- And Pump! And Pump! Unh! Unh! Yeah!

So maybe it's aerobics/latin dance/Show the FREAK in you! LOL! But I have to say, it was A LOT of fun! My cheeks were so rosey I would've put Santa Claus to shame.

Luckily, I made it through with no problems. And more importantly, I gave 100% the whole time. I'm pretty proud.

Tomorrow, the Hubs promises that he'll be home in time for me to go to Yoga. And for some reason, I'm looking forward to it. Maybe it's the hot rocks.

In an effort to find Acceptance, I will take it as a Compliment

Hi God!

I know we don't talk much but I want you to know, I do believe. And I'm sorry about not going to church as frequently as I should. It's because of.......um......uh.....nevermind. I'll try harder. K?

So anyway, last year, you tested my strength. And I will admit that for a moment, I didn't like you very much. It was really shitty timing. But I guess with something like this, no time is a good time.

So....

Here I am. accepting this gift from you as a compliment to the person I am and the strength I have. I must admit, you were right. I am one tough cookie! Stronger than I ever believed I could be.

Thank you.

Not for the actual 'gift', but for what the gift gave me...

- Stength

- Confidence

- Happiness (believe it or not)

- A Greater Appreciation for Life

- Real Friends

And so much more.

All I ask is that you take a little piece of everything you've given to me (minus the MS), and give it to the ones I love. And share my strength with the wonderful community of MS'ers I've met thus far, and also to those I will meet in the future.

Rehearsing My Lines

Dear New Neuro,

As you can see from my charts, I was diagnosed with RRMS on October 29, 2009 after numerous tests and discussions with your former co-neuro. I started Copaxone on November 7, 2009 and to this date, I have not missed any injections. Amazingly.

My New Symptoms Include -

Worsening of Blurred Vision: The blurred vision that at one point seemed to happen 20 or 30 times a day, has increased to more than 100. I don't count but it's a significant increase and my number is not an exageration.

The length of time my vision is blurred has also increased. From maybe a second or two, to five+ seconds. The blurred vision is unpredictable but does seem to worsen in the evenings when fatigue sets in. It is not painful but extremely annoying.

(I hope that before my appointment in February I can get in to see an Ophthamologist. I think of all the symptoms I could possibly have, interruptions to my eye sight is the one that saddens me the most. I love seeing my beautiful family.)

Frozen Finger: This may just be a nerve thing but out of no where my right index finger will be freezing and the rest of the fingers on my hand feel like they're at a normal temperature. It takes about 20-30 minutes for the finger to 'heat up' again but during this time, it hurts. Maybe like frostbite? I've never had frostbite before so I can't really compare, just guessing.

Dazed Vision: This is a new one for me. You know when you're staring off into space and you can see everything perfectly fine yet, everything is sort of in a fog? It's kind of like that. It happens sporadically and quickly if I don't keep my eyes moving.

I feel a bit 'spacey' during it but I'm still completely aware of all around me. I can usually blink out of it pretty quickly but again, if I don't keep my eyes moving, I'll fall right back into it. Is that fatigue? I have no idea.

High-Pitched Squeal: That's the gist of it. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times over the last year but it's something I forgot to bring up in the beginning.

That's almost all of it. Last night while I was sleeping I was awaken by what felt like a thousand tiny needles stabbing me on the bottom of my big toe. Or an electric shock. Nice! Lasted only 2 minutes or so and I can't remember which toe it was as I was half asleep.

(Just put Bean down for a nap and almost fell. My right knee gave out, worse than any time before. Hmmm...I seem to have a lot of issues with my right side. Another note for the Neuro.)

Whew!!! MS is tiring. The actual symptoms are almost as bad as tracking the damn symptoms. LOL! Ah well, it is what it is.

You Mess With Me....

You'll have to deal with him!

This photo was taken during soccer season in 2009.

I think it's the perfect pic to point out how big my son really is. He's standing beside an average size 7 year old and at that time, D was 7.

It's also a great opportunity to address the reason why my son is so skinny. HE'S TALL!

I can't even tell you how many people ask me, "Do you feed your child?" I'm sure some people may just be saying this jokingly but after a while, it's irritating and I take it as an insult to my parenting.

Tell me, why would my husband and I send our child to top rated schools, clothe him in the 'coolest' gear, and do all we can to insure his safety and happiness and NOT feed him?

So there you go! He's tall, he's healthy, and yes, he eats! About six times a day if you must know. This isn't directed to anyone in paticular, just something I needed/wanted to say so maybe now the comments will stop. :)

On to Random Mumbo-Jumbo

• I missed yoga yesterday because the Hubs was working but, I recorded a 30-minute yoga episode to do on such days.
• Back on track with all the injection locations. Still have extremely annoying itching associated with each injection but I am doing my best not to scratch. A little rub here and there is ok.
• Experiencing new symptoms that I'll discuss in detail in a later post.
• Bean said, "Look Mommy, Coconuts!!!" She was refering to pine cones in a Pine Tree. :)

Is It Getting Worse?

Having to pay attention to every single ailment can become extremely nerve racking. Maybe I don't need to pay attention so much. But, maybe I should.

I don't really know.

I find myself providing great support to others but I am still here trying to find my own way through it all. Still learning and trying to understand what I'm really supposed to do. How am I really supposed to feel? And how much attention given to the MS and the symptoms that accompany it, is too much?

All great questions that I think I'll have to learn the answers to on my own. I'll have to find my own way. A new way, a new normal.

For the last few days I've been noticing that my blurred vision has become more frequent and more disturbing. Lasting longer, being blurrier, and at times, pissing me off. I've also noticed that when fatigue sets in, it gets much worse. But then I calmly tell myself, "It will pass. Don't stress. It will pass."

And it does. But not as quickly as it use to.

So what do I do? I'm not use to this 'paying attention' thing. And when I tried to pay attention to every single ailment prior to my diagnosis, I drove myself insane. I had a notebook I walked around with and in some sense, that notebook was like my lifeline. Sort of like a terminally ill person who must walk around with their IV cart.

I didn't want to be tied down. I did it for a month or so to satisfy my neuro and after he was happy, I was done. I don't want to be that way now but I do see the importance of keeping track. I think. I mean, I need to know what's MS and what's not, right? I need to inform my neuro of new symptoms, exasperated ones, and whatever else. And he'll determine what's important information and what isn't. Right? I hope so.

So hear I am, with what I think is worsening symptoms. What does that mean? Am I in a relapse? I have no IDEA! I'm clear of one time (maybe two) that I was in a relapse. The time my vertigo lasted more than 24 hours and sent me to my GP who said, "You may have MS". And the second was a couple of months after that when for about 4 days straight I couldn't keep anything down and was also experiencing vertigo.

Some think I'm a little WACKO for paying such attention to my body and symptoms. I kind of just think I'm thorough. Either way, I think some symptoms are getting worse. So I'm just going to have to focus a little bit more on ignoring them, after I write them down for my neuro to look over.

Copaxone Injections - Video

Again, lovely start. LOL!

Yoga and Me and Multiple Sclerosis

Where do I begin?

Yesterday I went to my first Beginners Yoga class. It was....interesting, to say the least. I wanted to try it because I often hear people say how enjoyable and relaxing yoga can be.

Yeah right! It may truly be that way but for me, the first class was extremely difficult. Lets picture it, shall we...

• Me. Ready to stretch and relax and enjoy the next hour.
• Old Man. Telling me how much I'll love Yoga.
• Girl My Age. Saying, "the end is the best part". I should've taken that as a hint.
• Older Lady. No words.
• Instructor. "It's a lot of stretching but completely different from Pilates".

I've done Pilates before and was under the impression that Yoga was easier. WRONG! The reality....

• Me. Shaking life a leaf 15 minutes in. It's a one hour class.
• Old Man. Holdin' his ground, no problems there.
• Girl My Age. Solid as a rock! (Insert sarcastic curse word here)
• Old Lady. I got her on flexibility but she's holding strong too.
• Instructor. Solid. Of course.

Here's the thing, my right leg is weaker than my left. My neuro pointed this out a couple of months back and I just thought, "Mmm whatever!". I didn't believe him but it was proven in class yesterday.

Another problem, my coordination isn't what it use to be and when my eyes are closed, it's even worse. So in the beginning of the class when the instructor said, "Close your eyes as much as possible" I thought, "Sure!". But when I did it, it was scary. I tried to fight through it but in the end, not wanting to embarrass myself (by falling over and taking out Girl My Age at the same time) won.

So I continued on and finished the class in a lot of pain (I think I pulled something. Or everything.) but feeling good about what I accomplished. And the end really was the best part.

We were lying on our backs practicing our breathing techniques and completely relaxing our bodies. All of a sudden, someone grabs my ankles. The instructor was going around and giving a little tug to help loosen everything and get everyone to completely relax. She then came back around and did the same thing to my neck.

Minutes later, I felt a warm drop on my forehead. At first I thought it was wax but when the same thing was put in both of my palms, I realized they were warm rocks. Very nice.

We spent the next few minutes relaxing and then we were done. As I was leaving the class I said, "Thanks!" to the instructor and she said, "You're welcome. How'd you like it." I was honest and told her it was a lot more difficult than I expected it to be and that I couldn't stop shaking. She said, "Well, you did really well which is why I sped up the pace a bit. I usually don't do that with people who are doing Yoga for the first time but you did really good". Very nice compliment.

There's an Advanced Yoga class at my gym but I'm pretty sure I won't be walking into that one anytime soon. Even though it was very difficult and every inch of my body aches right now, I'm going back next week.

Oh God! Did I just say that?

Yes, I did. And yes, I am. It's good for me, good for my body, and it makes me feel good that I can 'hang' with the rest of them. And maybe I'll get better and leaner and stronger along the way. We'll see.

My least favorite move, Awkward Chair.

Do You Ever Think About...

The End?

Sometimes when I'm riding shotgun, I'll glance into the windows of other drivers and wonder, "What's their life like?" Are they happy? Are they sad? Are they sick? Lonely? Did they just lose a loved one? Did they just get married?

All sorts of questions run through my head. Just silly curiosity about what it would be like to hop into that van, car, pickup, or whatever, and experience whatever they're experiencing. Would I want to trade? Is the grass greener on the other side.

No way.

Yesterday we took a trip up to post (where we're stationed) to turn in some paperwork regarding my condition. I'm enrolling in the EFMP, or Exceptional Family Member Program. Woo Hoo, I'm an Exceptional person. Didn't need no stupid disease to tell me that.

Anyway, the deserted two-way street that stretches 30 miles from civilization to post and only offers a passing lane every 5 miles or so, is littered with crosses marking deaths stretching back 30 years (at least).

Everytime we take the trip, I look at all the crosses, placed in the spot where the accident occured and on the side of the street the poor driver was going, and wonder how their families feel now. Some 10 years ago, 2 years, 28 years, and the most recent was Aug. 21, 2009. One day before my birthday.

The Hubs told me that he was a motorcyclist and when he went to pass a vehicle (getting into the opposite lane of course), he didn't see the semi headed his way. Needless to say, the motorcyclist passed away that day. So sad.

As I continued to look at the dates written on the crosses I saw one that said, Jan. 3, 2003. About a quarter of a mile from that one I saw another one that said, Jan. 17, 2003. And then I wondered, "Did Jan. 17th hear about the accident that involved Jan. 3rd and thought, I'm glad it wasn't me. Only to find out that two weeks later, it would be him."

These are the crazy things I think about. Most people would see the crosses and think, "Aww..." and then move on to another thought. Something like, "I wonder what's for dinner tonight" or "I wonder if McD's is still serving breakfast".

Then I thought, "would I rather know I'm about to die, or would I want it to be a surprise?"

Such a stupid question when I go back and read it. I think about how my loved ones would feel. Would I want them to be shocked with a sudden loss, or be saddened for months or maybe even years with a possible fatal diagnosis?

I really don't know. I can't tell you if I'd want to know if my loved one was dying. But I also can't say for sure that I'd prefer the surprise. Either way, we really can't choose our fate.

Video Update

Please excuse the lack of clothing, I was in my PJ's. And the lack of makeup. Eeekkk!

A Trip to Daddy's Job

I adore this picture.

My chubby-cheeked baby and D are listening intently to Daddy's instructions. They're so sweet, most of the time. Bean, D and I went to Daddy's job to check out some of the aircrafts.

What're you lookin' at Bean?

A whole bunch of nada!

That Bear goes everywhere with us. He's been with her since she was 6 months old, a full 2 years now.

We're all so very proud of our hero.

A Little Resolution

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I read somewhere that 80% of people make New Year's resolutions. Only 22% of those people keep them. The number one resolution - Get Healthy. The number two resolution - Quit Smoking.

I got those two covered. I don't smoke and I've been eating healthy and working out (again) since November.

Every year I set a few New Year resolutions for myself and I'll do the same this year. Only this time I'm doing it publicly so now I really need to try to follow through.

1. Stay strong and continue down my journey of health and happiness.

2. Be a better mother.

3. Volunteer.

4. Sell 1,000 Toss-Me-Not Sippy Cup Holders.

5. Get paid for 1 modeling gig.


My explanations -

1. Pretty self explanatory.

2. I think motherhood is a constant learning experience so there's always room for improvement.

3. I just want to give back. I haven't decided on which organization to work with yet but I know I want to help children, and/or people with disabilities.

4. A little business goal. :)

5. I've always wanted to model (just print or commercials) but over the last 8 years or so I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. This year, I'm saying "screw it!" and I'm going for it. I live 1-1/2 hours from one of the biggest cities in the modeling biz, LA. So why not? We'll see what happens.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year and I wish you all the best in 2010. For me, this WILL be a better year than 2009.