Thursday, December 10, 2009

I Think Not

This morning was another shot to the thigh.

I HATE injecting my thighs.

Whoever said the arms were the worse (which is most people), they aren't for me. I have a trail of bruises on each thigh. Light to dark, old to new, less pain to more pain. Accompanied by swelling and redness.

It's lovely!

So this morning while wrapped in a bath towel, I stared at myself in the mirror. Talking myself into getting the thigh shot over with. My mind started to give in to the pain and I thought, "Screw my thighs. That shit hurts!" Honestly, I am very near the point of stopping the injections on the thighs all together. Every other area, hips, stomach, and arms, are way less painful and less traumatic than the thighs.

It's only been 5 shots in each thigh but I can still see every one of them. And feel every lump underneath the site.

On the brink of tears, the Hubs walks into the bedroom. He tosses something in and then walks right back out to tend to Bean. "Whew!"

I look at myself again in the mirrow, and begin to over analyze every inch of my body. I hate it. Well, half of it. I think, "we have to start running soon". I have hated my legs for almost a decade and these damn shots aren't helping that feeling. Just more of a reason to keep them covered up.

Again, I think to myself, "Once I get out of this slump (and blow dry my hair), I'll talk to the Hubs about running. I HAVE to do it! Have to!!!

Then the 'crazy woman' thoughts take over. "How can anyone love me like this? Ugh! I'm a wreck, my legs are hideous, I'm damaged goods". LOL! I can't help but to laugh at that because then I think, "Shut up Sarah. You're totally making this out to be way worse than it really is." I know that's the case because my husband tells me I'm perfect just the way I am.

I am such a Woman.

Now I know why my husband gives me that "What the hell are you talking about WOMAN!" look. Totally get it Babe!

Thoughts interrupted.

"What time do you wanna leave?" asks my husband.

"9:45am" I say.

Another neuro appointment.


The Smith Boys said...

Sending you loving thoughts! You are beautiful and amazing. Women don't tell each other that kind of thing enough, but I always thought so and I still do.

The Pitter Patter Boutique said...

Thank you so much Melissa! That is very sweet. :)

Ella said...

It sounds as if you are starting to feel sorry for yourself. Don't go there. You are fine the way you are and if you want to reduce the thighs go for it. At least you feel it is only the thighs - some of us have to worry about more than the thighs - stomach, thigs, arms etc in other words the whole body needs a do over. lol You are doing great.

Anonymous said...

You are a beautiful person inside and out!! It is not what is on the outside that makes you who you are but what is on the inside!! When I look at you I see a beautiful, loving, and most of all strong woman!! Even though you are my little sister and are suppose to look up to me, I admire you and your strength. Keep it up!! I love you very much!!

Love your big sister!! xoxoxoxo

The Pitter Patter Boutique said...

Thank you Mom #2. ;)


You BIG softy! You finally commented. LOL!
Thank you! I love you and love the relationship we have with one another. You're the best & I miss you like crazy.

P.S. It's ok if you don't comment anymore because that one almost made me cry. :)

Norma Lee @ Norma Lee Good said...

I wish you didn't have to go through with all of this. Hell, I wish I didn't either! I'm on Copaxone as well. My legs bruise. My arms bruise. My stomach bruises. I have no idea about my butt because I'm not going looking for any more problems!haha. You're self conscious about your legs and I'm about my butt. I wish I could tell you that it's okay and it will get better. I really just want you to know that MS sucks. It does. You aren't crazy for what you are going through right now. I am truly a very happy optimistic person but I think sometimes everybody tries to tell you that it's okay and every once in awhile it's nice to have somebody say, sorry it sucks for you.

The Pitter Patter Boutique said...

Thank you Norma Lee. You're right, sometimes we just need to hear the honesty in it. It does suck. I have a few other words for MS but I'll leave those in my mind. For now.