Recently, I read a post by a fellow blogger and one sentence she wrote really hit home for me and got me thinkin'.
"I am always living like I am dieing. Always been afraid of death."
There are many things I don't do, or try not to do, because I think, "I could die from this." Silly things like flying, which may not be that silly, but to me it is. And leaving the back door unlocked when it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon and no one in their right mind would try to go up against Kouma. But still I think, "the one time I fly, or the one time I leave that door unlocked, or the one time I'm not watching my back while putting my groceries in the car, something bad is going to happen."
I wouldn't say that I live in a constant state of fear, but it's pretty damn close. It's more a fear of something being done to me, then something accidentally happening.
When I was younger I had Alopecia Areata. A condition that causes round patches of hair loss. I wanna say I had it for about 4 years and the majority of those years were when I was in high school. It was terrible. Most people didn't even know I suffered from this, I had gotten really good at hiding it. I would go through cans and cans of hair spray, swooping my hair to whichever side was recently affected by a sudden bald spot.
I think I told 2 people, only because they kept bugging me to go swimming and didn't understand why I couldn't. Or didn't want to. I felt so sorry for myself during those high school years. I remember always wanting my hair to fall freely and blow in the wind, just like everyone elses. Instead, it was pasted down to my scalp with 20 minutes worth of hairspray.
After the Alopecia cleared up (it took getting pregnant to get rid of it completely), I thought to myself, "My troubles aren't over". And as it turns out, I may've been right.
Not too long ago, I told my husband that I have always thought something was going to go wrong. That I'd get breast cancer or a tumor or maybe something even worse, if there is anything. I wasn't sitting around waiting for it to happen, but I expected it to.
Just another way of living in fear.
With the impending diagnosis of MS (I know it's coming), it has forced me to really sit back and take a good look at my life. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? How am I going to handle this?
When I analyzed myself and who I am, I found that I wasn't everything I wanted to be. I also figured out that I spend way too much time trying to be what other people want me to be. I try too hard to please people without considering how it makes me feel. Plainly put, I ignore my feelings for the sake of making others happy.
I think now it's time for me to be a little selfish and get down to the nitty gritty of who I am, who I want to be, and how I'm going to make it happen. When I think about the stuff I want to change, some of it sounds a little superficial. Like, wanting to have tone legs so I can look H.O.T. in a skirt (which I haven't worn since high school) or a pair of shorts.
Another thing, I want to get healthy and fit. But it's no longer because I want to look good for my husband or others, it's because I want to live longer, live stronger, live happier, and live better. Another, I want to free myself of stress. Impossible huh! Probably, but I'm going to try anyway. I told Sean, "tomorrow, I'm starting my "courteous driver" thing." LOL! I think most of my stress comes when I'm on the road. I figure if I just lay back (not literally) and take it easy while on the road, nothing will bother me.
As I sit here and read over that last sentence, I can't help but laugh. People just piss me off when on the road and it'll really be a miracle if I can do the courteous driver thing. LOL! We'll see how it goes.
Here's the thing, I can either lay down and die, or I can stand up and fight. I think fighting fits my personality much better so we're gonna go with that one. :) As hard as life can be sometimes, you really do need to "roll with the punches" if you wanna survive.
This is my life, and I'm going to make it what I want it to be. And what I deserve, MS or not.
...because that's the reallest conversation I'll ever have.